How did I get here?

Never have I ever wanted to be the boss.

I don't want to have people looking at me for things to do. I don't dream of an orderly shop, buzzing with customers and employees.

If anything, I wanted a sleepy little bookstore where people could curl up and read away. (I figured I would have to have won the lottery, because that's not making any money) I'm a strongly solitary introvert, who once went 3 months outside of work, with out speaking to a single person besides my husband. And only noticed afterwards. It was very relaxing.

I wanted to go to work, do a job and come home. I want to leave work problems at work. Why should I bring those problems home? What's so wrong with that?

I don't want to work at what I love. Make it work and sooner or later I'll hate what I used to love. I made some earrings for my mother once. She thought it was awesome. Wanted me to sell them. I told her I couldn't make that many of them. She suggested an assembly line, with her and my sister to help. I thought about it for about 5 minutes. I hated it. I take joy in the creation of each and every single piece of anything I make. An assembly line has no joy. Her pleasure is in the selling.

Someone please tell me how I got here.

I run a shop. A small, orderly shop, buzzing with customers and employees. Looking at me and asking me where's this, where's that? Is this in? What should I do now? Wasn't it a great day? So many people!

I haven't had a day off since early May. I've had a violent case of poison sumac, a cold, a pulled muscle in my shoulder and very little sleep since then. I've hired 2 people. And a landscaping service. I'm about to hire a maid too. And a plumber. Because it's hard to garden and do the outdoor plumbing work at 9pm. I have to make a doctor's appointment, but my doctor has no office hours before I need to go to work. She also leaves the office before I'm finished.

I spend 70-75 hours each week at the shop. I sleep around 4 1/2 hours every night.

And I'm tired.

BTW, I know exactly how I got here. My mom asked for help running the shop she started. And I said sure. Then she said, here, it's all yours!

And I smiled. Said, thank you, that's great.

Doesn't mean I'm not tired.

The Pause

My tea just knows. It says Pause.

After The Pause

From Neil

The Day After

From Amanda

I'm so sorry baby. You are strong. And you are fierce.

And you're having a boy.

A boy.

And I wept.

Safe Home

Amanda's Anthony is dying. I am getting all her twitter updates all day. Crying off and on, because someone who I love is hurting.

Thank you to Neil Gaiman for writing this piece on what is happening right now. He called it 'Existing in the Pause,' and it's very apt.

I have been trying to explain to my husband why it hurts so much. It's something I have to work out anyway. I think of us, the fans of Amanda, as an us. As a family. We trust each other. We may never have met, but still. If a concert came to town and someone was going and needed a place to crash, I'd probably offer up my spare room no questions asked. Because, you're family.

And Anthony, as much as her real father, is Amanda's dad. And she's my sister. Or cousin. I love her, she's family.

Reading the Art of Asking is like curling up with a good friend and hearing them tell their life story after having a couple glasses of wine. Like watching them vomit their heart on the pavement.

After I finished it the first time, I wanted to immediately reread it with a highlighter. And then get some paint and work on the cover. I hate to alter books - they are booooks. And I worship them. But this one is crying for it. That cool gray cover hiding under the dust jacket. Like bare skin. It's Amanda's skin.

But she made me think about the nature of family. And friends as family. And love. And Anthony is a big part of that. She's (and he) have inspired my own writing. And I have Anthony's books on my wishlist. Now would probably be a good time to read them. Go here for more information on Anthony's work.

Safe home Anthony. Safe home.

Congrats Congrats!

Oh congrats to my lovelies!

So much love for you both. Can't wait to hear the name!