It is less than ideal when two partners have insomnia. Especially at the same time. And more particularly when each is trying to hide it from the other.
My husband has had insomnia for the better part of the week. I've been experiencing it in bouts, off and on, for a year. I can get by on 3-4 hours. I prefer at least 5. I don't know why, but I just don't wind down as well as I used to.
He suffers. He tries too hard. He worries. Then he can't sleep from worrying. I don't worry. Worry makes it worse.
I keep a journal. And write stories about what goes on in my head. I don't tell my husband how little I sleep. And how often I don't. Because he will worry over that too and then where would the household be?
Besides, no matter how little I sleep, when the fit is on him, even I fall asleep faster than him. And if you've never experienced it, seeing someone sleeping when you are unable and desperate really makes you want to push a pillow over their face. No matter how much you love them.
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The most worrying thing about insomnia are the visual hallucinations. I sleep enough they don't get real. I get little flashes now and then though. Sometimes. On bad weeks. The crawling things are the worst.
I really don't like to mention them.
What I don't mind much at all, are the auditory hallucinations. That should worry me more I suppose. But see, I write. And it's useful. So much more than useful.
My mind will marinate an idea or a situation over and over. And then I can hear the conversation. My sleep deprived brain constructs actual dialogue. Pretty damn good dialogue too. All I have to do is take the dictation.
And yes, before you ask, I have considered-and thoroughly-if I was going mad. And I'm not. I've done my research.
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So. I do try to sleep. If I can't, I don't worry too much. I give up after about an hour. Then I write and read. Then try again after an hour or two.
Sometimes I really need to write my mind clear. Even if I didn't have a real goal when I put pen to paper.
Tonight is probably one of those nights. The glow of the phone is making my eyes tired. And that's lovely. I wish my husband was having the same luck. We don't sleep together as often as we like to. Fairly opposing schedules. Right now he gets up for work at five am. We both hate our alarms waking the other.
Ah. I feel the dragging of my eyelids. Thank you glowing phone. Most helpful. A little over 3 hours remain before I need to get up. I hope he sleeps by then.
